Looking at light

Sunsets are beautiful moments; for light as well as darkness. Look inside, see the darkness. Then take a deep breath and look deeper till you see light.

Realizations about relationships

So much joy all around that it is easy to forget the silly little things that mar happiness. There is a meaning to everything. As the world around and inside renews bonds, forms new ones, I rejoice. Then I watch the distances that have made their presence felt in other relationships. The heart does not like it but the head says, maybe that’s nature’s way of balancing life. After all closeness is a matter of choice and time. Maybe now is not the moment to be present in their lives. But at the same time, I need to remind myself that sometimes life keeps away those you really care about. That’s just how things are.

Over years I have sensed that relationships with others are either about acceptance, rejection or sometimes just a silent presence. Acceptance is participation by all in enriching each others lives. Silent presence ensures a measured response, neither with you, nor away. It adds nothing, takes away much or adds a lot and takes away nothing. But when there is rejection, the heart aches. But the one thing I have learnt is that we can’t strive for acceptance when the person in front doesn’t himself know the reason for rejection. We can’t force people to love when they choose to remain focused on doubt. We can’t help people smile when they are confident that life is out to hurt them. We can’t help people admire others when they are unhappy about themselves. We can’t help people understand others when they don’t understand themselves. Jealousy stems from unfulfilled desires; suspicion stems from a lack of trust in love; arrogance stems from an absence of joy for how varied creation is. We are all so similar and yet we crave to establish our uniqueness. But we are all unique and that really requires no propaganda from ourselves.

It is so easy to love others when you love yourself. But if you choose to believe that the joy you require must come from the validation of others, you only set yourself up for misery. When you finally realize how much creation has filled you with, when you choose to explore the true potential and scope of your world, when you find yourself able to move beyond walls the world creates of success- you will find happiness. When you find yourself, others in that same space will find you, enriching your life in magical ways. Remember, the ones who are distant are people who are travelling on a different road from yours. If they join you sometime during the journey, your goals are the same. If not, that is their road to walk. You walk on yours.

Taking stock

The year ended on a sweet-sour note. December was an eventful month; the only upsetting part of it was my FIL’s illness. I went to Bombay/Pune in the middle of the month and came back just a couple of days ago. And like all my trips, this one too was filled with lovely moments with friends and family. This trip was about reconnecting and renewal. I have a global group of family and friends. Everyone lives in a city different from mine. And this trip brought us together on several occasions. Talking till the wee hours of the morning teasing/questioning/laughing, reminiscing with family about how we used to be, playing silly true or dare games with friends, enjoying and revealing each antic and sentence of my little one, taking him out on his auto rides/to the garden/to the play area in the mall, shopping with the girls- just so much that gladdens the heart.

Part of the wisdom that came towards the end of the year was the need to constantly renew my mind. As we learn something new, it is important to let go of something old. And this extends to all spheres of life. Buy a new book- donate or get rid of an old one, buy a new dress-donate an old one, have an new idea-remove a negative habit from your daily life. The idea is to unlearn what stops you from being your best, as you learn something everyday. The world is constantly bombarding us with so much, that there is many useless and unproductive a habit or information that we can get rid of everyday as we take in something new that appeals to us. The process just keeps you lighter and happier.

The year has dawned bright and cheery. There is nothing new about life per se, but everything is alive with optimism. For me it is not a time to make resolutions but to simply pay attention to my life. Now that I am back in Hyderabad I have the time to do so.

It dawned on me

Its only when you let go of what you didn’t like, that you can begin to appreciate the positive aspects of the very things and people you disliked. The past few weeks have been one such discovery.

Like every family, mine too has its share of people who made me look like a devil or hurt me deeply while I was growing up. What pissed me off was that these were the very people I used to look up to. Its easy to forgive strangers ( you usually ignore them), but strangely it is very very difficult to forgive the people you love, who have scarred your trust in life and relationships. These are the people you love by default because they are related to you.

But with time I am trying to look beyond the incidents that marred my relationships with them. While I still strongly disagree with the way they have been with me, I also sense a willingness from my end to not hold onto the pain in my heart. I am trying instead to appreciate the positive in them and am thus beginning to understand them as people, who have their strengths and weaknesses. And so I choose to stay focus on the positive during the little time we spend together during the rare family events . But I also stay careful and try not to tread into topics that can be volatile. In the end relationships survive only if they are nurtured and from my end I am not going to cause a relationship to die because I let my ego clash with theirs.

When the world tries to get to you

This mantra might work…

I refuse to succumb to words: that
doubt my goodness
discredit my work
Ignore my contributions
Insult my intelligence
Mock my innocence
Taunt my actions
Question my worth

I know what I am made of
And so I will not leave it to others
To sculpt me into their unfulfilled choices
With their sharp shaping words.

When everything I do will invite comments
I will make the choice I have
To not respond to it all
And to be the person I know to be. Me.

Our lives

It took a 1/3 of a lifetime to unravel the many lessons life teaches. We started off with such innocence, optimism and defiance, saw life in the eye, stared into the harshness and chose to either walk ahead confident, still trusting life or refused to listen and walked on stumbling.Four people who have had such different lives. Between us I think we have made all the mistakes possible growing up and experienced the worst that relationships bring with it. Not that we are enlightened souls now, but somehow we have tided over much, together, alone or with others. Two are still on that road and two of us have reached a place where we can feel some pleasure at the way life has eventually turned out for us.

A after denying her mom’s cancer for years, lost her mom when she was 16. Soon she spiralled into depression and denial. Making the wrong friends taught her some right lessons; her brothers and some other valuable experiences kept her sane. For the next 5 years she strove hard to see sense in mistakes and eventually learned to love and respect herself, discovering the best in her. After breaking her heart to bits, when she chose to focus on herself she found in the most unlikely way possible, the one person who saw the real her and loved her. With love, came marriage and a different set of trial and tribulations. But the journey has only gotten better.

D chose to spend her free years committed to a boy who everybody believed was wrong for her. She bore the crap that people offered to her. She made a choice, and with a strength that only women possess went about fulfilling that commitment. She lost and then later regained her friends and family in the process. Years, marriage and a new born baby later, she lost that man who was the centre of her world. When everyone thought she would break, she instead rose up with unbelievable grace. What she had missed out on, she found: fun, friends, family and later the perfect partner for her. She got married and everyone believes that he is the one she was always meant to be with.

K, the kid of the group always had her feet firmly embedded in the ground. She lived her years as any teenager did, but she chose not to let dreams get the better of her. As she grew she walked on the path she had always dreamt off. She moved to a different country, studied and moved into a career where she excels; like she always did in everything she took up. But love has evaded her over the years. She has been unable to find it where she looks for it. She believes she will find it but also gets dejected at what she sees. But she believes in living her life and her world is full. Her journey though has just begun.

S was the one people either loved or hated. She spent her childhood trying to epitomize what the world believed a good girl should be like. Everything from the bird to the bees to boys was foreign territory. Defying parents wasn’t part of her vocabulary and she was often stuck with guilt even with the choices others made. But boys came to her like bees and many misunderstandings and experiences years later, she fell in love. Only this guy had ‘mistake’ written all over him. She stuck on, only to be abused by him and his mother. Her family rescued her, saved her from near death but the shadow haunts her. It touches every relationship and threatened to destroy her faith in life. Ironically, she is also one of the smartest and astute people when it comes to running a business. Professionally she soars high while emotionally she floundered, expecting someone to come heal the pain in her heart. Finally she looked inside herself to find all she needs. Now she knows what she wants, but doesn’t know what life wants from her.

Each of us is unique and yet the same. We are everyone – women of yesterday, today and tomorrow who face life head-on. We cry, we laugh, we shout; but we always remember to be strong. As we grew distances came in the form of relationships, work and life. But we always found each other. We live in different cities in different parts of the world. But sometimes life does throw us together to celebrate the special bond we share. When we are away, we miss each other sorely. And today is one of those days for me…

I am wild

I am wild (or so I was told)
Like the wind that rips green leaves off trees?
But I love freedom so much, that often
I transcended the barriers the world imposed on me

And so I sang on the road when I wanted to
Climbed a mountain when it called out to me
Rode a bus from home to nowhere
And returned befriending someone new

When people doubted my purity, I strengthened my resolve
Every negation and mocking of theirs, spurred me on
I soon found pathways forgotten by most
Running there I found life’s song

I saw the world cried more than me, and so many
people joyous and peaceful than I could ever be
And so I stretched my boundaries a bit
To include within life’s limitless possibilities

The world is a bundle

Of surprises. Anxiety, love, judgmental, compassion, worry, joy, grief, expectations, disappointment, understanding, selfishness,sacrifice and so much more come in varying degrees day in and out. What life has in store for me , I do not know? But I often wish I could choose which emotion to live in a day. I truly wish they did’nt all bombard me when I least expect them. Especially when the emotion I chase so much and which remains so very elusive is peace. I want peace to stop being a visitor and come be a permanent resident. But she seems to have too many homes to visit and so only puts a brief appearance in my life , reminding me that she exists, before she sets off again.

Moon, give me chocki

There are some moments in life that stay with you, even if you don’t blog about it or write it. Because those moments become so much a part of your soul, that they will stay with you forever. I had one such moment a couple of days ago with my three year old, little one.

Right from his childhood, he has been fascinated with the moon. He used to love it but recently thanks to I-don’t-know-who, he seems to be so afraid of the moon. And that fear is only when he is in the building premises or inside the house. If he sees the moon when he is out elsewhere, he does not seem to fear it. All of us at home have been trying so hard to tell him that the moon is a good uncle who will bring him chocolates, cricket bats, biscuits and whatever else he wants. And so this time he probably decided to trust the moon.

His favorite place to go with me when I go to Bombay, is the mall, so he can play in the big car and small car in the children’s play area. I don’t know how, but usually within seconds of exiting the building, if the moon has risen he sights it in the sky. And that day was no different. Within 10 seconds of getting down from the auto at the Mall, he pointed to the Moon.

And then when I expected him to come rushing to my shoulder, he instead put out his little palm. He raised it to the moon and in a gentle whisper began to ask the moon for chocki (chocolate). Marveling at the sight, feeling emotional and touched I was about to head inside when I remembered a small toffee that was in my purse. I removed it from the purse and raised my hand with the chocolate to the moon. Like him I asked the moon for chocki for him and then gave a big gasp of pretended surprise, Bending down I opened my hand and asked him to see what the moon gave. I placed the chocolate in his hand.

That movement of his expressions from one of pure innocence, trust, surprise and then joy was magical. I can never ever forget his face as I placed the chocki in his hand. He was so awed by what the moon had given him. He spent the entire evening happy that moon god had given him a chocki and when we came home he went around telling everyone about his chocolate. 

As for me, I spent the evening too with love burning bright in my heart. That simple event transformed both of our days. And it stays with me. My little one reminded me then how powerful innocence is and how easy it is to make life magical. If you trust life, ask what you want honestly with purity in your heart, life will give you what you deserve in magical ways.

Marriage mayhem

The whole episode with Shrija, the daughter of South Indian superstar Chiranjeevi, got on my nerves. I felt that she could not have chosen a worse way to humiliate her family. Then a couple of days later she was on TV, stating that her family had kept her under house arrest for a year and felt threatened by them. Her relatives stated shock at her behaviour and then announced their support for her.Since then, society has gone bonkers debating their family issue. Some called her a fool and expressed grief for the family. Others lauded her courage and blamed the family for not bringing her up right. But what right does a layman have to comment on a situation they know little about?
But, yes, society speaks and that’s where the problem lies.

I know two friends who chose to leave home and get married. One while she was still studying, and another who was a successful professional. Both marriages ended in divorce and terrible emotional scars. The second friend is someone very close to my heart. I have seen and experienced the trauma she and her family underwent. To the family the experience was something that tested their faith and sapped up all their strength. But the pain caused by the so called friends and society around, who chose to give their opinion to them, was and is the worst injury.

Society deemed her a worthless daughter and termed her parents as bad ones, who did not even raise the child right. I see the consequences of society’s words even today on the family, rendering them incapable of making the best decisions today; just because the fear of others. So who has really caused more harm, the girl, her parents or a society that assumes the moral role of deciding what is right by passing judgements?

I see my friend struggle even today. The knowledge of the pain her parent’s experienced haunts her still. The knowledge of the shame society imposed on her parents, hurts her more. What really is the society’s contribution to making their lives happier? None.

No one helped them see that she had made a bad choice of partner and had understood what relationships are in the process. Her parents helped her overcome it and helped their daughter re-make a life for herself. But the focus is still on shame, regret and parent’s disappointment. Thats what the world around has made it about.

So many youngsters continue in bad marriages they have chosen for themselves. All in an attempt to prove their decisions right. Very rarely do marriages that begin at that age, last long and friends of the same age cannot really help. At 19 the reality that a marriage is little about love and all about managing practical day to day living, problems and expectations, doesn’t sink in. Marriage is about working for 8 hours a day so you can buy groceries, hire a maid, paying utility bills, and then about saving for a house, children, their education and if some money is left then, go eat out, buy electronic gadgets and clothes. And when you come home from work, marriage is about cooking, picking up the clothes, folding the washed ones, putting away the washed stuff, cleaning rooms and bathrooms, dusting the house and many such chores. Then come children and family and a dozen other tasks. Love is just the glue that helps two people do all this together.

Why is it that though youngsters grow up seeing our parents do all this, such things escape our head when we are in love. At that age we haven’t gathered enough experiences to formulate our main needs as people and our values. Growing up we are not part of what it takes to fun a family and so we don’t even simple awareness of the reality that is life. Parents simple aim to protect children and children pay no attention. But the world watches all this patiently and comments when it gets the chance.

But as youngsters grow older they understand the decisions they once made. The knowledge of our past actions weighs heavily on us, if we are not taught that mistakes however grave are a part of the growing up process. Someone I know said it so correctly recently, ‘We live in a world where our children’s value system is being constantly challenged.’ Parents need to know that they are not responsible for their children’s action. Shielding them from their mistakes is not something they can do. Instil values in them throughout childhood and know that those values will be realised by your children when they grow up. Don’t expect to see that when they are growing up. Growing up is a process that involves bad choices no matter how grave those choices are. And in today’s world a wrong choice of life partner isn’t the end of the all things right in you or your child. Life will become better, it always does.

The world youngsters dwell in is so different from the world of the adults. You both can find a middle path. But what that path is, only the parents and children can decide. But if the child decides to head a way where you are sure it will stumble, all you can do is give it and hand and help it up. Deal with the pain together. Don’t add to each other’s pain. And mostly decide between yourself what the experience means and has taught you all. Don’t let the world impose its lessons on you.