Reconnecting with me

I have often found my voice when I thought the cacophony would engulf it. There have been so many occasions previously when I decided life was just not giving me time or opportunity enough to do what I wanted.

This time I chose to reign in my excuses and ask them to either shut up or make their way out of my mind. And it has been fulfilling. Each day, I find a little of me. Every time I write, my heart feels a little happier. To empty my mind of chatter, not only do I listen to it, I silence it with my talkative hand. It has been truly uplifting to write again.

Around whom the river of life flows

Outside the station, he was a familiar sight
in the middle of the bustling street
He cried out the lord’s name
in a cadence that matched the ebb and surge of the crowd

Ignored by the trampling feet
that parted as it passed him
He burnt his body brown, on the scorching road
No aped in a melting rag

He first numbed my senses
But soon I became one with the flowing crowd
We swept past, always afraid to see him
Lest we become uncomfortable with own comfort

One day he disappeared
For days was missing from scene
Every time I reached the spot and realized his absence
Guilt knocked loudly in my heart

A friend who shared my concern said
She had seen him a couple of times
But more than once had hoped for his release
For his life, she was sure, had no purpose to meet

Her words made me see him as human
and then I wondered about his name
Who was he, who bought him there, where did he spend his nights?
Was he born like this or was his state created by another?

I wanted to ask someone around about him
And hoped he was fine
But I felt ashamed of taking interest in a beggar
And silenced my instinct lest people laughed

Years passed and I changed paths
Never did I enquire about that man
But that act of hesitation, shames even today
Protecting my pride, I let myself lose my humanity

Could I have done something for him?
Yes, I could have acknowledged his existence.
For I know every man has his own handicaps
And whatever his status has his role to play

Is he still alive despite all the odds
Maybe it is not too late to know
if he still lies there begging on the road,
tough like a rock around whom the river of life everyday flows.

An insight

To move beyond what I think as me, I need to move a little deeper inside.  Contradictory isn’t it . But it is true because only when I know what holds me back, what strangulates me or what suffocates my soul, can I work to be liberated from it. For the spirit to fly all it takes a little step away from the comfort zone we bury ourselves in.

To lose your mind, find your heart.

Imagination

Sometimes when I am too tired
being a mother, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law, friend, sister
I seek refuge in my imagination
and ride away on its wings

The shower becomes a waterfall
the green grass outside is a mountain-side
the brown earth are sand dunes
the reflection of the sky in the puddle is my lake

When the body is stuck with everyday living
for a few moments my soul soars
and I travel in my memory
to the sights, sounds and smells I once knew

the earthy rainy mountains  I once trekked in
the sound of seagulls  in the beach
the forts that age graefully into an ignored tomorrow
the shimmering eyes of the deer in the forest at night

All weave their way out from my mind
into my everyday
I relive some moments in my imagination
because that is the only escape I have

Coming back here

Life- both creating it and experiencing it;
Health- mine and of family
Emotions- plenty of them, that run the entire spectrum from elation, gratitude, humility to despair and grief;
Growth- when I let go of what I wanted, accepted that which causes me pain and welcomed the power I possess to make what I want be a part of my life
Spirituality- this has no explanations

My life has been full these the past few months and hence the silence. To the people who have come here, just read what I have to say or/and left comments, thanks. It fills my heart with gratitude to think my words touch people.

I am trying to shake myself out of this self-imposed exile and jolt some words out of their stupor. I can already see thoughts scattered around gather themselves in my head. Maybe when it rains tonight, these will pour out too.

And just as I was about to post this, I found this quote -

“Give, give, give — what is the point of having experience, knowledge or talent if I don’t give it away? Of having stories if I don’t tell them to others? Of having wealth if I don’t share it? I don’t intend to be cremated with any of it! It is in giving that I connect with others, with the world and with the divine. –Isabel Allende”

And this reminds me of why I write.  Its simply because I want to share my life, its lessons, its experiences with others. Because often when I write I remind myself of what life continually teaches me and makes me experience. Because this life is not meant to be a hole a crawl into but a garden in which I plant many seeds.

Breaking free

I built them. Slowly and steadily
Adding one brick after the other
One fear after another
Till the wall around was thick and strong
It protected me from everything that was coming my way.

But tomorrow, I will take a hammer and bring it down
One by one, slowly and steadily
Till nothing remains
The wall shielded me from the pain
But it also kept my joys away.

Just a thought

Today if I had to let go of all that I have
How would I see myself?
Empty, as someone who has nothing
Or complete, as someone who carries the universe within

But instead of looking in or out, I am sitting at a distance, watching life play its games.

Who are you?

Time goes so slowly when you live in another person’s mind. Everything takes on a different meaning, is coloured a different shade. Reality is blurred because you are not seeing through your eyes. That’s what happens if you live your entire life through other people’s viewpoint. Spend the days and nights doing things right, doing things that will make them happy, make them feel proud of you, make them think of you as someone who is good-natured, adjusting, beautiful inside out , etc etc, making them feel that you put your home and family before yourself. Because that’s what a good woman is supposed to do. Be her parent’s reflection, be her in-laws reflection, be her husband’s reflection, till nothing of her remains.

But what about inside? Are you proud of who you are? Do you like what you see inside you? What is inside you? Who is the real you? Is you the person who runs a good home and does the daily chores and at the same time manages to have an identity apart from the one you have as a wife and mother or are you only a career woman. What if you look inside and discover you want neither or want a combination of both or simply don’t want to be anything.

What if the you is something that evolves constantly and so what you would really want to do changes very often. And so it makes you feel something different everyday. And that’s why you are sad inside. Because though inside is in constant motion, externally you continually try and define yourself, label yourself for the world. You don the roles, the world most easily understands and is comfortable with. To avoid questions, you silence the soul. To avoid conflicts you forget your own voice, listening only to the voice of others. And then you begin to live a life that is not yours. Only because you have forgotten to listen to your own heart. Forgotten to sing your own song.

Today can you pause and ask yourself who am I?

No person can complete you

It is time to remind myself about something I told my friend some months ago. Sometimes we make ourselves believe that we need more to feel complete or to feel happy. People, objects, emotions- it could be anything. But that’s not so. The reality of my life or anyone’s is that what ever you need, life has already given it to you. If you feel something is not there or cannot sense something, probably you have no need for it. Really, there is nothing lacking in you for someone to come and complete. Just consider this, if you truly don’t have love , then how can you even offer it to others? If you crave love, does it mean you are empty of love? Do you expect someone to come fill your heart with love, so that you can give that same love in return? No, you love because you already have that emotion in you. And so when someone doesn’t reciprocate your love with love, let it not lead you to a sense of incompleteness or despair. Instead know that before wanting someone’s attention, you need to first love yourself and be at peace with yourself. Only when there is love in your life, a completeness with yourself, can you understand and see love. Else when it comes you won’t even be able to recognize it.

Looking at light

Sunsets are beautiful moments; for light as well as darkness. Look inside, see the darkness. Then take a deep breath and look deeper till you see light.