Coming back here

Life- both creating it and experiencing it;
Health- mine and of family
Emotions- plenty of them, that run the entire spectrum from elation, gratitude, humility to despair and grief;
Growth- when I let go of what I wanted, accepted that which causes me pain and welcomed the power I possess to make what I want be a part of my life
Spirituality- this has no explanations

My life has been full these the past few months and hence the silence. To the people who have come here, just read what I have to say or/and left comments, thanks. It fills my heart with gratitude to think my words touch people.

I am trying to shake myself out of this self-imposed exile and jolt some words out of their stupor. I can already see thoughts scattered around gather themselves in my head. Maybe when it rains tonight, these will pour out too.

And just as I was about to post this, I found this quote -

“Give, give, give — what is the point of having experience, knowledge or talent if I don’t give it away? Of having stories if I don’t tell them to others? Of having wealth if I don’t share it? I don’t intend to be cremated with any of it! It is in giving that I connect with others, with the world and with the divine. –Isabel Allende”

And this reminds me of why I write.  Its simply because I want to share my life, its lessons, its experiences with others. Because often when I write I remind myself of what life continually teaches me and makes me experience. Because this life is not meant to be a hole a crawl into but a garden in which I plant many seeds.

Breaking free

I built them. Slowly and steadily
Adding one brick after the other
One fear after another
Till the wall around was thick and strong
It protected me from everything that was coming my way.

But tomorrow, I will take a hammer and bring it down
One by one, slowly and steadily
Till nothing remains
The wall shielded me from the pain
But it also kept my joys away.

Just a thought

Today if I had to let go of all that I have
How would I see myself?
Empty, as someone who has nothing
Or complete, as someone who carries the universe within

But instead of looking in or out, I am sitting at a distance, watching life play its games.

Who are you?

Time goes so slowly when you live in another person’s mind. Everything takes on a different meaning, is coloured a different shade. Reality is blurred because you are not seeing through your eyes. That’s what happens if you live your entire life through other people’s viewpoint. Spend the days and nights doing things right, doing things that will make them happy, make them feel proud of you, make them think of you as someone who is good-natured, adjusting, beautiful inside out , etc etc, making them feel that you put your home and family before yourself. Because that’s what a good woman is supposed to do. Be her parent’s reflection, be her in-laws reflection, be her husband’s reflection, till nothing of her remains.

But what about inside? Are you proud of who you are? Do you like what you see inside you? What is inside you? Who is the real you? Is you the person who runs a good home and does the daily chores and at the same time manages to have an identity apart from the one you have as a wife and mother or are you only a career woman. What if you look inside and discover you want neither or want a combination of both or simply don’t want to be anything.

What if the you is something that evolves constantly and so what you would really want to do changes very often. And so it makes you feel something different everyday. And that’s why you are sad inside. Because though inside is in constant motion, externally you continually try and define yourself, label yourself for the world. You don the roles, the world most easily understands and is comfortable with. To avoid questions, you silence the soul. To avoid conflicts you forget your own voice, listening only to the voice of others. And then you begin to live a life that is not yours. Only because you have forgotten to listen to your own heart. Forgotten to sing your own song.

Today can you pause and ask yourself who am I?

No person can complete you

It is time to remind myself about something I told my friend some months ago. Sometimes we make ourselves believe that we need more to feel complete or to feel happy. People, objects, emotions- it could be anything. But that’s not so. The reality of my life or anyone’s is that what ever you need, life has already given it to you. If you feel something is not there or cannot sense something, probably you have no need for it. Really, there is nothing lacking in you for someone to come and complete. Just consider this, if you truly don’t have love , then how can you even offer it to others? If you crave love, does it mean you are empty of love? Do you expect someone to come fill your heart with love, so that you can give that same love in return? No, you love because you already have that emotion in you. And so when someone doesn’t reciprocate your love with love, let it not lead you to a sense of incompleteness or despair. Instead know that before wanting someone’s attention, you need to first love yourself and be at peace with yourself. Only when there is love in your life, a completeness with yourself, can you understand and see love. Else when it comes you won’t even be able to recognize it.

Looking at light

Sunsets are beautiful moments; for light as well as darkness. Look inside, see the darkness. Then take a deep breath and look deeper till you see light.

Realizations about relationships

So much joy all around that it is easy to forget the silly little things that mar happiness. There is a meaning to everything. As the world around and inside renews bonds, forms new ones, I rejoice. Then I watch the distances that have made their presence felt in other relationships. The heart does not like it but the head says, maybe that’s nature’s way of balancing life. After all closeness is a matter of choice and time. Maybe now is not the moment to be present in their lives. But at the same time, I need to remind myself that sometimes life keeps away those you really care about. That’s just how things are.

Over years I have sensed that relationships with others are either about acceptance, rejection or sometimes just a silent presence. Acceptance is participation by all in enriching each others lives. Silent presence ensures a measured response, neither with you, nor away. It adds nothing, takes away much or adds a lot and takes away nothing. But when there is rejection, the heart aches. But the one thing I have learnt is that we can’t strive for acceptance when the person in front doesn’t himself know the reason for rejection. We can’t force people to love when they choose to remain focused on doubt. We can’t help people smile when they are confident that life is out to hurt them. We can’t help people admire others when they are unhappy about themselves. We can’t help people understand others when they don’t understand themselves. Jealousy stems from unfulfilled desires; suspicion stems from a lack of trust in love; arrogance stems from an absence of joy for how varied creation is. We are all so similar and yet we crave to establish our uniqueness. But we are all unique and that really requires no propaganda from ourselves.

It is so easy to love others when you love yourself. But if you choose to believe that the joy you require must come from the validation of others, you only set yourself up for misery. When you finally realize how much creation has filled you with, when you choose to explore the true potential and scope of your world, when you find yourself able to move beyond walls the world creates of success- you will find happiness. When you find yourself, others in that same space will find you, enriching your life in magical ways. Remember, the ones who are distant are people who are travelling on a different road from yours. If they join you sometime during the journey, your goals are the same. If not, that is their road to walk. You walk on yours.

Taking stock

The year ended on a sweet-sour note. December was an eventful month; the only upsetting part of it was my FIL’s illness. I went to Bombay/Pune in the middle of the month and came back just a couple of days ago. And like all my trips, this one too was filled with lovely moments with friends and family. This trip was about reconnecting and renewal. I have a global group of family and friends. Everyone lives in a city different from mine. And this trip brought us together on several occasions. Talking till the wee hours of the morning teasing/questioning/laughing, reminiscing with family about how we used to be, playing silly true or dare games with friends, enjoying and revealing each antic and sentence of my little one, taking him out on his auto rides/to the garden/to the play area in the mall, shopping with the girls- just so much that gladdens the heart.

Part of the wisdom that came towards the end of the year was the need to constantly renew my mind. As we learn something new, it is important to let go of something old. And this extends to all spheres of life. Buy a new book- donate or get rid of an old one, buy a new dress-donate an old one, have an new idea-remove a negative habit from your daily life. The idea is to unlearn what stops you from being your best, as you learn something everyday. The world is constantly bombarding us with so much, that there is many useless and unproductive a habit or information that we can get rid of everyday as we take in something new that appeals to us. The process just keeps you lighter and happier.

The year has dawned bright and cheery. There is nothing new about life per se, but everything is alive with optimism. For me it is not a time to make resolutions but to simply pay attention to my life. Now that I am back in Hyderabad I have the time to do so.

It dawned on me

Its only when you let go of what you didn’t like, that you can begin to appreciate the positive aspects of the very things and people you disliked. The past few weeks have been one such discovery.

Like every family, mine too has its share of people who made me look like a devil or hurt me deeply while I was growing up. What pissed me off was that these were the very people I used to look up to. Its easy to forgive strangers ( you usually ignore them), but strangely it is very very difficult to forgive the people you love, who have scarred your trust in life and relationships. These are the people you love by default because they are related to you.

But with time I am trying to look beyond the incidents that marred my relationships with them. While I still strongly disagree with the way they have been with me, I also sense a willingness from my end to not hold onto the pain in my heart. I am trying instead to appreciate the positive in them and am thus beginning to understand them as people, who have their strengths and weaknesses. And so I choose to stay focus on the positive during the little time we spend together during the rare family events . But I also stay careful and try not to tread into topics that can be volatile. In the end relationships survive only if they are nurtured and from my end I am not going to cause a relationship to die because I let my ego clash with theirs.

When the world tries to get to you

This mantra might work…

I refuse to succumb to words: that
doubt my goodness
discredit my work
Ignore my contributions
Insult my intelligence
Mock my innocence
Taunt my actions
Question my worth

I know what I am made of
And so I will not leave it to others
To sculpt me into their unfulfilled choices
With their sharp shaping words.

When everything I do will invite comments
I will make the choice I have
To not respond to it all
And to be the person I know to be. Me.